Friday, July 20, 2012


Brad and I have been trying to get pregnant since the beginning of the year. Instead of this being a post about how happy we are about an upcoming arrival, I am writing to let you know that we are feeling anything but happy right now. However, I feel like we are supposed to share this journey, so please bear with me.

 After six months of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, my doctor asked us to go through some routine testing. I simply had to have my blood drawn on day 21 of my (irregular) cycle while Brad had to undergo a semen analysis. My results came back first and my doctor informed me that my progesterone levels were so low that he didn't believe that I was ovulating. He recommended Clomid, but wanted to have Brad's results before we moved forward. We were disheartened by this, but not too badly. My sister had been through the same sort of thing and now has two beautiful girls. I half expected that I might need a little extra help. Brad's results came around a week later. I was putting away dishes when he came to me and said that the doctor called. The sadness filling his eyes told me a lot, but I needed to know what the doctor said. We were both crying as he told me that there were no sperm in his sample. The doctor also noted that he couldn't feel the tubes designed to carry sperm. He recommended that Brad make an appointment with a specialist.

 Brad and I have a lot of questions about what will happen. We are sad, distraught, angry, and hopeful. As we cried over the news, we both talked about the unfairness of the situation and how much we wanted to be parents. I cried over the possibility of never being pregnant. Brad cried over feelings of blame. We've been a wreck all week, really. We talked about adopting, which is something we've talked about before. We never thought adoption might be our only option, though, and that is a hard pill to swallow. We started talking about options we know are out there (sperm bank, in vitro fertilization, etc.) and what lines we might not want to cross. We talked to our parents and siblings. We talked and prayed with our pastors. Limbo is the worst spot to be in. Brad and I are trying really hard to hold off on discussing options until we know what the options really are.

 I want to type more about how this feels, but I don't know how. Also, it just hurts. It hurts when people have been telling us for six months to do it on such-and-such days or assume that they got pregnant first try and we would, too. It hurts when we're asked when we'll be having kids. It hurts to see friends and family share their pregnant news or photos of their babies. It doesn't mean that we're angry with those who ask about expanding our little family. We know they mean well. It also doesn't mean that we're not happy for those expecting babies or cuddling their new babies. We love babies and are so happy for the joy they bring. We are just in a state of questioning. I no longer assume I'll be pregnant, but I do believe that Brad and I will have kids one day. If you have a story of your own to share, please do. Brad and I figure that we're not alone in this, but we've never heard of a story quite like ours. Please feel free to comment or to email me at melaniemcb at gmail dot com.

 P.S. If you are family/close friend and are learning about this through the blog, please understand that it is very hard to rehash again and again. We love you and wanted you to know what we're going through, but it is so hard to talk about over and over. Thank you for understanding.


Lisa CR said...

Thank you for sharing this, both of you. Limbo is awful. It is also temporary. That's probably the only good thing about it. We love you.

jenkirst said...

I know that sharing your story like this is a big deal for you and Brad and hopefully this helped you in this limbo process deal with your anxiety and frustrations. You two are meant to have kids and God will NOT let you get away without having children. We love you more than you realize and are here for you.

Anonymous said...

You may not know what difficultites Daniel and I went through to have our two girls. It was 3-4 years of trying, treatments, doctor visits, procedures, etc. I am praying for you and Brad and your need to have children. I totally get it. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but, one day, when you hold your child in your arms, the struggles you are going through now will melt away. Because that child will be the one you were meant to have and no matter the path, it will be worth it. Sarah M-H

Anonymous said...

I can only imagine the pain you both are in. Having babies is something we just think WILL happen. Sharing your story is a wonderful thing to do. By doing this many people that may or may not know you will do something wonderful for the two of you, pray...........oh the power of prayer. I will be one of those people!!!

melanieandbrad said...

Thank you for the prayers, love, and support. Brad and I need that right now and we are so grateful.

Amanda said...

Hello Melanie,
I just came from your comment in Lauren (@betterinrealife)'s blog.
I just wanted to send you support, and hugs. And let you know that you are not alone if that helps. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 2 years now... with still no luck. They ran all the tests and we are "unexplained" which means everything is "fine" as far as science can see. We are still hoping for this month, but otherwise, we will be starting IUI next month. And I am crazy scared, crazy sad, crazy angry that this has to happen to us... it is hard.
Thanks for putting it out there (I have also written about it a bit) it helps to know that we are not freaks of nature, maybe just unlucky.
All the best hopes to you.