Trying

Brad and I have been trying to get pregnant since the beginning of the year. Instead of this being a post about how happy we are about an upcoming arrival, I am writing to let you know that we are feeling anything but happy right now. However, I feel like we are supposed to share this journey, so please bear with me.

 After six months of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, my doctor asked us to go through some routine testing. I simply had to have my blood drawn on day 21 of my (irregular) cycle while Brad had to undergo a semen analysis. My results came back first and my doctor informed me that my progesterone levels were so low that he didn't believe that I was ovulating. He recommended Clomid, but wanted to have Brad's results before we moved forward. We were disheartened by this, but not too badly. My sister had been through the same sort of thing and now has two beautiful girls. I half expected that I might need a little extra help. Brad's results came around a week later. I was putting away dishes when he came to me and said that the doctor called. The sadness filling his eyes told me a lot, but I needed to know what the doctor said. We were both crying as he told me that there were no sperm in his sample. The doctor also noted that he couldn't feel the tubes designed to carry sperm. He recommended that Brad make an appointment with a specialist.

 Brad and I have a lot of questions about what will happen. We are sad, distraught, angry, and hopeful. As we cried over the news, we both talked about the unfairness of the situation and how much we wanted to be parents. I cried over the possibility of never being pregnant. Brad cried over feelings of blame. We've been a wreck all week, really. We talked about adopting, which is something we've talked about before. We never thought adoption might be our only option, though, and that is a hard pill to swallow. We started talking about options we know are out there (sperm bank, in vitro fertilization, etc.) and what lines we might not want to cross. We talked to our parents and siblings. We talked and prayed with our pastors. Limbo is the worst spot to be in. Brad and I are trying really hard to hold off on discussing options until we know what the options really are.

 I want to type more about how this feels, but I don't know how. Also, it just hurts. It hurts when people have been telling us for six months to do it on such-and-such days or assume that they got pregnant first try and we would, too. It hurts when we're asked when we'll be having kids. It hurts to see friends and family share their pregnant news or photos of their babies. It doesn't mean that we're angry with those who ask about expanding our little family. We know they mean well. It also doesn't mean that we're not happy for those expecting babies or cuddling their new babies. We love babies and are so happy for the joy they bring. We are just in a state of questioning. I no longer assume I'll be pregnant, but I do believe that Brad and I will have kids one day. If you have a story of your own to share, please do. Brad and I figure that we're not alone in this, but we've never heard of a story quite like ours. Please feel free to comment or to email me at melaniemcb at gmail dot com.

 P.S. If you are family/close friend and are learning about this through the blog, please understand that it is very hard to rehash again and again. We love you and wanted you to know what we're going through, but it is so hard to talk about over and over. Thank you for understanding.

On Family

Gingerbread image from here.

I was a grump last night.  What I posted is probably more than a little selfish, but I think it boils down to a couple of things:
1. I need a night out, preferably with a grown-up beverage in my hand.
2. Brad and I need to develop some holiday traditions and lay some groundwork.

I feel that my first point is pretty self-explanatory to anyone under the age of 35 who works.  Now and then, you just need to get out.  Normally, Brad and I are in bed by 9:30 PM.  We work hard throughout the day, eat an early dinner, and try to relax.  We are still settling into married life and have the additional fun of redoing the living room.  We're busy people.  However, that doesn't negate the need to sometimes go out and act our ages.

My second point gets more at my frustration, though I'm not sure frustration is the word I want.  My father is a huge grump and I don't think he'll want to do anything for Christmas this year.  If he does, he'll come over one night for a couple hours and we'll exchange gifts.  Not a big deal.  On Christmas, my mom, sister (family), and brother will come over to our apartment for gifts and dinner.  We are celebrating with Brad's immediate family this Friday, extended maternal family on Christmas Eve, and extended paternal family on New Year's Eve.  All combined, that is a lot of Christmases and not something that I will necessarily want to drag a kid (or two. or three.) around to all December.  I want Brad and I to really talk about what is important to us and what we envision for the future.

I'm trying to be careful here because my mom checks in on this blog now and then, along with some members of Brad's family.  I'm not saying that I don't enjoy getting together with any of my family members (in-law or blood) because I love them and I love hanging out and eating too much food.  There are babies to hold and newlywed cousins to catch up with and all the aunts and uncles and grandparents.  They are wonderful, but we are devoting ourselves to FIVE Christmases, FIVE get-togethers and that is a lot. 

I want my (future) babies to wake up on Christmas in their own beds.  I want them to see their grandparents on or near Christmas.  I adore large family gatherings and would love for our (future) children to grow up running around with cousins and declaring favorite aunts and uncles.  I just don't know if I want all of this in December.

How did you split up holidays?  What new traditions have you put in place?  How do you think it all changes when you add children?

Day 3 and 4

November 3
I am super thankful for lunch meetings.  I got to touch base with the other school psych that I work with (we're at two different high schools) and talk about what's going on and do some problem solving.  Also, we caught up with each other and enjoyed some delicious food.

(I'm also doing a 10 by Christmas weight-loss challenge and I just wanted to give thanks that even after devouring almost all of my Chipotle lunch I'm still down from last week.  Not by much, but still down.)

Why do the delicious foods have to be so bad for you?

November 4

I'm thankful to have Brad as my husband.  I know that he's going to be there no matter what's going on and he's going to support me.  We've been talking about our future and babies and my doctor wants to send me to see a high-risk pregnancy specialist.  I've had some abnormal paps and had a LEEP procedure shortly after turning 22.  I also have been diagnosed with Protein S deficiency, which has been explained to me that I'm a higher risk for throwing clots.  I'm just a little nervous about what will happen when we do move forward with having babes, but I love that Brad is right there with me.  He keeps telling me that we'll be fine and throwing out suggestions for who could help me with daily shots that my Dr. is suggesting.  He's an excellent partner through the heavy stuff and the light stuff.

I'm also just thankful for the time I get with him.  Our time here isn't guaranteed, it doesn't care what's "fair," and it doesn't play by the rules.  I heard today that a woman lost her battle with cancer last night.  She was 31.  She left behind her husband of two years and a one-year-old little girl.  She was diagnosed with cancer only six months ago.  I never met her, but I feel like I have known her forever from the photographs and stories her sister shares.  I am so sad for their loss and am sending prayers their way.

Hold your loved ones a little longer during your hugs today and be thankful that they're available for hugs.

Read more about Ali here and here.

Rocking the benefit shirt for Ali today.

The shirt represents love for Ali radiating from our hearts.



--Melanie

Finances

I love talking with Brad.  We have funny conversations and serious conversations.  We have our little jokes.  I don't feel scared about bringing up the serious stuff, either, which is awesome.  I have a partner that is going to support me and work with me to help me out of jams and plan for our future. 

Story time.  I overdrew my checking today.  Awesome, right?  I'm the most responsible 27 year old ever.  What I will say is that weddings throw off your budgeting completely and that it is hard to settle back down into reality.  Brad was going to write me a check for my birthday Land's End order and for part of the cell phone bill, so he just bumped up the amount a smidge to help me cover my butt until the next paycheck.  Not a big deal.  But finances and budgeting are big deals to us.  Brad and I see money differently and we are working towards combining accounts and making a budget and sticking to it hardcore.  So, I was upset that I stupidly overdrafted the account.  I don't normally do this and it bugs me that I was careless.  Brad just told me it was OK and gave me a hug.

What's really weird--if you know me--is that I'm looking forward to our budgeting discussion and setting my allowance (I'm the spender, he's the saver).  He and I both have financial goals that we want to meet and we're ready to start working towards that.  For instance, long-term we want to pay off my credit cards and buy a house.  Short-term we want to beef up savings (this will be a continual goal) and then buy furniture for the living room and bedroom. I figured once we buy furniture, paint, and anything else we need to spruce up the two rooms, we'll spend $1500 or so.

Children are also in our future and we need to make sure that we've got our stuff all straightened out before we add more to the grocery bill.  And Brad and I are looking at a not-so-distant time when we'll be OK to let things happen and see if we get a mini-Brad or a mini-Melanie.  All this means is that we've got to work this out.

How have you worked out finances with your significant other?  Did you combine all the way or do you have separate accounts?  For those not married, what do you see happening?  Do finances come into play now?

One Hundred Seven

107.  That's how many days there are until I get to marry Brad and I'm a little bit freaking out.

I second-guess every decision and obsess over details.  I'm afraid to let go of things and cross them off the list.  I don't know why.  It could be that I just want this day to be magical and wonderful, when I know it will be flawed and still beautiful.

It could be that I have a touch of cold feet. Please don't get me wrong--I want to marry Brad and make beautiful dark-haired babies and sit with him when we're 80.  I wonder, though, how I know he's The One.  What sets him apart?  It's enough to cause a slight freak-out in anyone.  Talking with Kerry helps and she's been wonderful.   Since we're both getting married, she's right with me on all my freak-outs and we support each other through them.  (I have lots of supportive people around me and don't want to discount them.  You know who you are and I love you.)

I guess I'm finally starting to feel like a grown up.  I'm getting married.  We've talked about babies and mortgages.  I'm 26 years old and I wonder if I'm ready to grow up.  I think I'll be OK as long as Brad and I grow together and embrace the adventure we're officially starting in September.

--Melanie